of a year.
I have worn
under my sleeves,
on my thighs,
running down my cheeks.
This is what
looks like, my dear.”
I’ve often confused cruelty for passion. Maybe that’s why I fall for assholes. But lately I’ve been thinking about my past and it seems that in every good relationship I’ve had, I’ve found a way to sabotage it….
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not that I can’t find somebody, it’s that subconsciously–I don’t want to. I mean there have been plenty of guys who have made themselves available to me but I never thought twice about them because I’d rather fantasize about relationships that are never going to work. In the process I ‘ve actually managed to loose a lot of guy friends. When they tell me they like me something goes off in my brain and I lash out at them. I’ve convinced myself that I don’t deserve their affection and the only way to get my friend back is to show them a side of me they won’t want: Bitch.
So I dont know what to do. I mean I’m okay on my own. And maybe someday (hopefully soon) I’ll figure it out and put myself out there. Maybe I just need the right person. I read something somewhere once that really stuck with me. It basically said that you must get comfortable with being alone or you’ll never know whether your choosing someone because their right for you, or because your lonely and afraid. I mean whenever I feel empty I find comfort–if you know what I mean, it’s just not in the most reliable people–or the most secure ways. I know that. I’m just not really sure where to go from here.
It’s seems that many things in life are about perspective. If you travel to paradise and are expecting to see crystal clear blue water you may be disappointed when u walk up on the beach and see regular blue. However if you get a new perspective, like say arriving to the beach on a boat where your above the water- it’s a whole new experience. This is true on life aswell, when you have a problem and your looking too close it’s very hard to find the answer but if you step back and get a new perspective things will become more clear
From what I’ve learned, everything–good or bad, has an expiration date. Whether it’s anger, scandal, love…everything fades. No matter what you do to preserve it (or settle it) the best thing to do is just wait it out. I figured this out this year. Every time a rumor would go around about me or I’d get angry with a friend but not want to confront them and start something, after about a week it would be gone. Think of it this way: It’s like December. For so long you enjoy the autumn colors not really thinking twice about them and before you know it they’ve disappeared. There still there but not like before–the chaos of all the different colors has gone leaving only an elapsed brown shadow. Just interesting that’s all.
All my life I’ve been told what to do and how to do it.
Supposedly I am to look beautiful always (but never try too hard be too fake), study as much as possible (but accumulate knowledge of the world outside of textbooks), spend time with friends (but never let them get in the way of school work), fall in love (but if you let someone hurt you your a fool!), work (but good luck finding a job that fits around everything else!), find yourself (but if you experiment to widely your a mess!), have sex (but not unless you love the person!)….I could go on but I think you get the point. With all these ironic traits of society, how can anyone expect to accomplish anything? If all their worried about is accidentally venturing outside these tight lines of acceptance how will we manage to find ourselves let alone happiness. Well I certainly haven’t and don’t intend to—>hence the blog name: the unconventional life of me