If you’ve read my post “unavailable bitch” then u can probably tell that I’ve got some issues when it comes to guys. Recently, I met a guy named Cole. He stood up for me when no one else would. Later that night he got my number and now I guess were talking but the thing is that I don’t know if I’m attracted to him. He’s the sweetest person and everything about him is what I’ve been drooling over in movies yet I’m not as excited as I should be. He even tells me exactly how he feels so I’m never anxious and he doesn’t even look at other girls. On paper he’s perfect but in reality I’m just not sure. It makes me wonder if maybe I need a little jealousy or angst to develop some kind if lust. I know–that’s rediculous and I’m a hypocritical idiot no wonder I’m single, but it’s just a feeling I can’t seem to shake…
I’ve often confused cruelty for passion. Maybe that’s why I fall for assholes. But lately I’ve been thinking about my past and it seems that in every good relationship I’ve had, I’ve found a way to sabotage it….
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not that I can’t find somebody, it’s that subconsciously–I don’t want to. I mean there have been plenty of guys who have made themselves available to me but I never thought twice about them because I’d rather fantasize about relationships that are never going to work. In the process I ‘ve actually managed to loose a lot of guy friends. When they tell me they like me something goes off in my brain and I lash out at them. I’ve convinced myself that I don’t deserve their affection and the only way to get my friend back is to show them a side of me they won’t want: Bitch.
So I dont know what to do. I mean I’m okay on my own. And maybe someday (hopefully soon) I’ll figure it out and put myself out there. Maybe I just need the right person. I read something somewhere once that really stuck with me. It basically said that you must get comfortable with being alone or you’ll never know whether your choosing someone because their right for you, or because your lonely and afraid. I mean whenever I feel empty I find comfort–if you know what I mean, it’s just not in the most reliable people–or the most secure ways. I know that. I’m just not really sure where to go from here.